I saw the dance unfold from a very young age. My father’s Parkinson’s disease seemed ever present: I don’t remember a time without it. In my childhood, the realization of the emotional challenge of his condition was preceded by an intensely inquisitive period, when symptoms in his body became visible, captured my attention.
I was raised in an environment supportive of a strong consciousness of movement, since my mother is a dancer and teacher herself. So when Herbert’s (my father) hand started to tremble, his gait to change, his limbs to move as if their task was to defy any efficiency, I became curious. I wanted to understand what motivated that strange dance.
With time, my awareness of many people’s negative reaction to this never before seen body language strengthened my desire to make these symptoms simply go away. My father and I would take time before going for family dinners. I tried to calm his nerves by helping him breathe deeply, by touching his twitching limbs until his body movements appeared “normal.” I longed to talk more often and directly about the reality of living with a sick parent than we practiced it in our family.
One day during my early high school years, Herbert decided to hand out flyers for my mother’s dance studio in front of my school. I was in my classroom as a friend came up to me and said:
“There is a crazy person with a red hat dancing in front of the school handing out flyers. Is that your Dad?” and I replied, “No, I don’t think I know him.”
Wow, I could not believe that I had just disowned my father. I was so ashamed.
At that time calling my father’s symptoms “a crazy dance” was devastating for me.
Today I am fascinated by that prophecy: I have now created a ‘crazy dance’ for myself.
Throughout the years the altered language of my father’s body has greatly shaped my instinctual understanding about movement. I also automatically feel close to people moving with the symptoms. I realize how much deeper one connects with a person’s way of moving than with the mere familiarity of their physical appearance.
Flamenco (my mother’s dance specialization) has manifested similarly in me. Flamenco is a powerful ritualistic dance that was developed by an oppressed Gypsy people. Imitating, mocking, abstracting and expressing strong emotions about the burdening situations, in order to defy fears, gathering strength and soothing pain through the joy of moving.
Witnessing either of these movement forms has the potential to evoke very familiar feelings and sensations in me… However the difference is that growing up with a loved one whose struggling body is being involuntarily moved by Parkinson’s disease was such a shaping experience, that it needed to manifest artistically in a dance which became my ritual to exorcise the fear of it, to deal with the consequences and to find relief in ‘moving’ through it.
In 2003, with the worsening of Herbert’s state of health and the urgency to come to terms with it, I went into rehearsal for my next piece.
I called it “Off and On”, the medical terms for being in a frozen state (unable to move) and dyskinesia (uncontrollable movements of the muscles/limbs).
Rehearsals were difficult and painful, spending a lot of time just imitating his gait during an oncoming “off phase” for instance. At times I seemed to loose consciousness of my choice to move freely. I imagined feeling a glimpse of the pain he must experience routinely. For many years certain patterns of my father’s way of moving, like the energetic, out of control swinging of the limbs, the detailed movements of the fingers and wrists etc. have already made themselves visible in my dance choreographies. The movements were already in me, I just needed to let them emerge consciously.
The choreography started forming itself by imitating, abstracting the
symptoms and interpreting a state of being where the mind does not have
full control over the body. Allowing my body’s memory to dictate the
moves and timing- I also needed to leave enough space to improvise in
certain sections, which continues to help me access this memory. I move
in a state of emotional difficulty. During the dance I cope with this
state physically and connect to emotional places where I can relate to
the struggle between control and surrender in my own life. “On and Off”
merges concrete movements of the Parkinson’s vocabulary into more
abstract physical expression specific to the contemporary dance form.
I approached New York composer Doug Henderson about
creating a score for the piece. In close collaboration and through his
insightful, interested approach he created a world of sound that, equal
to the dance, creates an internal environment that carries me, gives me
space and guides me through these states.
When the piece was premiered for Movement Research at
the Judson Church in New York City in October 2003 for a non-Parkinson
related audience, a great weight was lifted off me. I was finally able
to share and fully express what had been in me for so long. However, I
did not, at that time, make the audience aware of the origins of the
work. In that context it was perceive as abstract dance choreography,
never the less many seemed able to relate to the states I was moving
through.
Mary Baker, President of the European Parkinson’s
Disease Association (EPDA) saw the video and invited me to present my
piece at the 2004 EPDA congress in Lisbon, Portugal. I did not know what
to expect performing in front of my father, patients and caretakers.
Could they relate to my body doing this? Would they be offended by my
imitations?
After a moment of rather awkward silence at the end
of the performance, my father came onstage during the applause to give
me an emotional embrace. I felt relieved. He could see some of his
struggle in mine. He said he was shocked by how he saw himself moving in
me, by how much his life seemed to have impacted mine.
I have since been invited to perform “Off and On” at
different Congresses in Oslo, Sweden; Berlin, Germany; and at a Viennese
Dance Festival in Austria. The latest performance at the World
Parkinson Congress in Washington D.C. for a mixed audience of over 2000,
including Michael J. Fox, has been another full experience for me. The
positive feedback of many patients, caretakers and scientists has been
wonderfully overwhelming. Several people said the dance becomes like a
mirror for their symptoms, for others more like a window with a
different view, a very intimate one, on the familiarities of everyday
life with this disease.
Though Parkinson’s disease weakens the vitality of
the body, it challenges the person carrying it to great strength,
positivism and spiritual growth. John Argue, author of "Parkinson's
disease & the art of moving," said it ‘condemns’ people to
consciousness about every little move… At these conferences, I have met
amazingly strong, vital and interesting people who have greatly inspired
me. I am also reminded that my father and mother are two of them.
So I continue to perform “Off and On”, to share my
ritual of defying the fears. As my perception changes, I also try let
the dance change, so my exploration of new possibilities of looking at
the familiar can continue.
I want to thank Doug Henderson, Mary Baker, Lizzie
Graham, Sharon Stone, Eli Pollard, Heather Mc Tavish, Tom Chomont, Samay
Jain and Rudi Derkitz for their support and wonderful work, as well as
my father Herbert Maar for what his life has taught me. My mother
Gertraud Maar, for her strength, grace and artistic guidance that has
forever shaped me.
About Melanie Maar
Melanie Maar was born in Vienna, Austria. She is a
choreographer and dancer living in New York City. Currently she is an
artist in Residence 2005/2006 for Movement Research. Her work has been
presented in venues throughout New York, San Francisco, Vienna, Oslo,
Lisbon and Berlin. Please feel free to contact her under
mmaar@hotmail.com.
© Melanie Maar 2006
